Rise, my Amish Bread Baby, RISE!

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This is how I picture myself in the kitchen...creating a MONSTER!

This is how I picture myself in the kitchen...creating a MONSTER!

I promise we will depart from this bread story arc soon, but it’s such a great source of mischief I can’t quit!

So when we last left the bread, it was a bowl-bound gelatinous blob, shut in the oven, attempting to rise. Picture Frankenstein’s monster taking its first teetering steps, with me yelling manically, “RISE! RIIIIIISE!!!!”

That was yesterday morning. I gave Amos all day to get himself together, to triumph over my unitentional recipe abuse and be all the bread he could be. I got home from Book Club arounnd 11, predictably saturated with wine, and lifted the cloth to check on his progress.

To quote an Easter hymn,  he had RISEN! Hooray! Then I took a closer look. And poked him gingerly. Still an inappropriately gooey blob. Just twice as big. Instead of a petite Amish Bread Dough Baby, Amos had morphed into Plus Size Fat Baby Dough/Batter…the consistency of…well, like nothing I have ever encountered before.

So my Chardonnay-soaked brain got to thinking…and my Kitchen Mischief Devil appeared on my shoulder with an opinion. “Why not just add a little flour? Couldn’t hurt. I mean, really…at this point, you’ve already forgotten the starter, beat it in innappropriately, and basically made a mockery of the art of baking. What harm’s a little flour going to do?” So of course I took his advice and began to work the flour in by the handful. With my HANDS. Thankfully David was watching Will & Grace, so no one had to witness the…well, mischief doesn’t do it justice…the Kitchen atrocity I was committing with that poor excuse for bread dough. It was tragically fantastic.

My drunken brawl with Amos finally ended when I wrenched him into two, stuffed him into two pans, and set him back in the oven to re-rise. I cleaned up the crime scene, went back to the den to finish Will & Grace, then went to bed. This morning, I peeked into oven to see if somehow the twins had managed to rise…and they had! A little. So I suppose I’ll actually bake them tonight, then we will taste and see just what kind of monster Bread Baby I have brought into the world.

I would like to say I’ll love him no matter what, but that’s not true. Unconditional love does not apply to food. 😉

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6 Responses to “Rise, my Amish Bread Baby, RISE!”

  1. David Says:

    Is anyone else getting creeped out by the “Bread Baby” references?

  2. Pam Says:

    Dead bread has risen, Julia would have been proud. Just saw the movie could not resist. Actually I can’t believe you were able to add additional flour, surprising.

    I found your site on alphainventions.com

    • josh Says:

      LOL…loved the movie. I can’t believe the flour got in there, either. Probably not a choice I would make again. 😉 Thanks for reading!

  3. SUSU Says:

    JUST WAIT!!!…THOSE TWO ARE GOING TO POP OUT OF THE OVEN AND….RUN..RUN..FAST AS THEY CAN!!!…YOU WON’T BE ABLE TO CATCH THOSE “TWO AMISH BREAD BUNS!!!”…LOVE READING YOUR MISCHIEF!!!!

  4. Laurin Says:

    Glad you showed that bloated little effer who was boss.

  5. First Quantum ready to take over Inmet and create world’s biggest copper producer | Crusher Manufacturer Says:

    […] (Image courtesy of Kitchen Mischief) […]

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