My Bread is Dead

See that Little Orange Bowl? It's important.

See that Little Orange Bowl on the right? It's important.

Okay, so if you read Monday’s post, My Amish Curse, you know I’ve been babysitting an Amish Bread Starter. Well yesterday was breadmaking day. And instead of following the easy recipe that came with it, I decided to use the extra starter to make Sourdough Bread. Mistake #1. But that was a little one, really, We’ll get to the BIG Mistake in a minute.

Lovely self-portrait of me on the floor

Lovely self-portrait of me on the floor

So anyway, I got to mixing up the bread. Flour, sugar, water, oil, AND one cup of starter, which I had pre-measured in my Little Orange Bowl. Now the Amish are very clear on the next point—no metal bowls or utensils allowed. I’m not sure of the exact reasoning behind this, but I decided to obey their commandments, which meant I had to incorporate SIX cups of flour with the liquid ingredients using only a wooden spoon and a bowl. Now, I go to the gym four days a week, and I was sweating by the time I got done. I actually had to get on the floor, put the bowl in my lap, and use both hands, like a witch stirring a bubbling cauldron. This lead me to the decision to never get into an arm wrestling match with an Amish woman. I would be shamed.

So—dough made, bowl oiled, dough transferred. Topped with a damp cloth, done. Then I start to clean up. Put the flour away. Rinse out the oil bottle for recycling. Scrape up scattered grains of sugar. Then I go to rinse out the Little Orange Bowl. The Little Orange Bowl that I had pre-measured my starter in. The Little Orange Bowl that was STILL FULL of STARTER! Shit! SHIT!

Enter the Mischief. I knew then that my first Amish Bread Experience was most likely a failure, delicate and temperamental as breadmaking is. But I decided to plunge bravely (or foolishly) forward. So I retrieved the dough, added the starter, and stirred it in, covered it back up, and decided to wait.

I'm pretty sure it's not supposed to look like that...

I'm pretty sure it's not supposed to look like that...

It’s been more than 16 hours, and it’s risen like an inch. And it’s not the consistency of dough…it’s more like that creepy ectoplasm in Ghostbusters II. Gelatinous is a good word. We’ll see what happens when I get home. But I think it’s safe to say that I have disappointed the Amish. But I guess that’s OK…I get the feeling that the Amish are pretty much disappointed a lot these days.

But the good news is…I get to try again in ten days. So I will set my sights on that…and a simpler recipe. The Amish would like it that way.


11 Responses to “My Bread is Dead”

  1. Jane Airhead Says:

    Your starter was a finisher. Ba-dum-chhhh!

  2. David Says:

    The kitchen is a wreck!!! I’m so glad you had it cleaned up before I got home! How did you get it all over your face?!! And lastly… where’s my bread!?!!!

    • josh Says:

      I can’t work with flour without it exploding on me. It’s a gift. And your bread? Bread’s dead, baby. Bread’s dead.

  3. rhbulldawg Says:

    ROFL Poor Bread… Hey, think of all the carbs you saved and all the calories you burned churning the bread? This should be a workout video – Amish Arms of Steel!

  4. Elise Waits Says:

    I cannot stop laughing about you and David and your bread ball in a baby bjorn.. Then I was imagining it in a car seat on the way back from Jackson, playing at McDonald’s play place for lunch, etc. hahahahaha

  5. Beth Says:

    Happy to say my chocolate Amish bread wasn’t too bad. I have extra starters if you want one. Dang Brecca for cursing us with something that never ends.

  6. steve oh boy Says:

    Sorry about you loss. Where do we send flours?

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