My Amish Curse!

"We've got you now, foolish heathens!"

"We've got you now, foolish heathens!"

Lover as I am of most things culinary, it’s no surprise that when my coworker-friend Brecca arrived at the office with bags of Amish Bread Starter, I clapped with glee. “Yay, homemade bread!” …I cheered internally, and gratefully accepted my goo-filled Ziploc bag of culinary potential. Like a starry-eyed expectant mother, I drove home, dreaming up strong Amish names for my beloved bag of joy.

And then I read the instructions:

Day 1: Do nothing
Day 2: Mash the bag
Day 3: Mash the bag
Day 4: Wait for it…mash the bag.
Day 5: Yep…mash the bag.
Day 6: Feeding time! Add 1 cup flour, 1 cup sugar, 1 cup milk
Day 7: Back to just mashing.
Day 8: All I do is mash.
Day 9: Have I mentioned that I don’t even like the word mash?
Day 10: The Blessed Event! Make bread and bread starter babies!

After reading those instructions, I experienced what I imagine most newborn parents must after their 87th midnight feeding…a little buyer’s remorse. I hadn’t received a gift—I had inherited a curse! You see, the Amish, having no opportunity to hassle the world with e-mail chain letters, got clever and stuck it to us old-school style…with the gift of obligation and responsibility! Damn the clever, vengeful Amish!

So, when I was packing to visit my folks last weekend, guess who came along? Amos, the Amish Bread Starter. Guess who required a “mash” at least once a day? Amos.  My sister brought her puppy, Maddox. Who did David and I bring? My Amish Bread Baby. It’s quite possibly the single most gay thing I have ever done. I practically had the little guy in a Baby Bjorn.

But all my bread-sitting is soon to pay off. Today is my last day of mashing! Tomorrow, my little Gizmo makes baby gremlins! So let me know if you’d like little bundle of joy for yourself. It’s like kinda like having a baby…except you can eat it.

This is no joke…I really do have three bread starters to give away. First three to ask get the “prize.” 😉

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21 Responses to “My Amish Curse!”

  1. Matthew Says:

    Though I am so very glad your baby is doing well…I want to avoid the responsibility of having my own. I kill potted plants – imagine what I would do to a bread baby?

    • josh Says:

      Oh my, this is true. They’d have Amish Child Services out looking for you. But you could just speed off in your Beemer. Horse and buggy couldn’t keep up. 😉

  2. Jennifer Says:

    I got one for xmas and gave up on the 8th day of mashing I think.

  3. Katie Says:

    Ok, I’ll bite. The “unculinary” one would like to ask for a bread starter.

    I’m intrigued. 🙂

  4. josh Says:

    HOORAY! One Kitten Adopted! 😉

    • Matthew Says:

      You are spreading the Amish curse! This is like that movie “The Ring”. Josh you are unleashing a devil bread baby somewhere.

  5. Debra Says:

    Me me me. Ooh ooh ooh. I need a project.

  6. josh Says:

    LOL! Love it!!! Black Market Amish babies! 100% Organic and Free-Range!

  7. steve oh boy Says:

    There is a very good reason the Amish make their on bread. They don’t have a store. David should help with Amos!

  8. steve oh boy Says:

    Does this make me a great uncle?

  9. Steph Says:

    My directions told me not to freeze the starter (or refrigerate, or use a metal bowl, or howl at the full moon…) but guess what? It freezes quite well. So after you and everyone you know is sick of the stuff, put it in the freezer for a time when you start to remember it fondly and start all over again.

    You can also cook stuff with the starter instead of making it all into bread and gremlin babies. Give google a looksee.

    • josh Says:

      That is awesome news! I was wondering about all that Amish Voodoo Nonsense. What about the Metal part? I want to use my Kitchen Aid…
      So, did you freeze the starter itself, or just the dough? Thanks!!!

      • Steph Says:

        I froze the 1 cup of starter in a bag – the babies. When I take them out of the freezer it’s day 1. I have not been brave enough to break the no-metal rule, but stirring it together with a wooden spoon is strangely satisfying.

  10. josh Says:

    Awesome. I have already promised the gremlins to three folks, so guess I’ll have to duplicate your procedure for the next round. Thanks for the tips, especially the admonition on the metal. 😉 I think I’m going to try the Sourdough bread recipe…leaving soon to tackle it. Wish me luck! 😉

  11. rhbulldawg Says:

    Does adopting an Amish Baby mean I get a tax break?

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