Oh, dear readers … have we got a “treat” for you this Halloween! I use quotation marks because this “treat” is really a trick. Our Fruit and Cheese Disasters post inspired us to do a little searching on the bizarre foods folks create for Halloween. I tell you this — Matthew and I will never EVER be the same.
Here at the Mischief, we’re always encouraging you to play with your food and have fun in the kitchen. But kids, there is a LINE that shouldn’t be crossed. Where is that line, you ask? Read on and find out.
But before we make you lose your appetite, here’s an example of a quick and easy Halloween-themed recipe you can prepare that is guaranteed to NOT make your guests vomit. Take a look, then feel free to proceed to the nastiness that follows. Happy Halloween!
Pumpkin Pie Dip
1 pie pumpkin
2 packages cream cheese (reduced fat is OK)
2.5-3 cups of powdered sugar
1 15-oz can of pumpkin
1 TBSP of ground cinnamon
2 tsp of ground ginger
tiny dash of salt
Let your cream cheese get really soft. Use a hand mixer to blend it together with the powdered sugar until smooth. Note: Do this slowly or you will create a confectioners sugar cloud in your kitchen. Once you have it nice and smooth, add in the pumpkin and spices. Taste it at this point and add more sugar and spice if you’d like. You can serve it right away, but it’s best if you let it chill for a day and let the flavors develop. Serve it in a hollowed out pie pumpkin surrounded by gingersnaps. Enjoy!
Now … here’s what NOT to do:
“Ghost in the Graveyard Cupcakes”
Ingredients: Chocolate cupcake, pretzel stick, and a grotesque amount of green icing.
Click here for more ghostly goodness.
Josh: At first I didn’t mind this cupcake … and then I read Matthew’s comment …
Matthew: I can imagine the scene — a dark, foggy night; a wolf howls in the background. Out of the fog you see a ghostly figure coming towards you. You gasp in fear. Then you hear a strange gurgling sound — like that of a upset stomach. And there you go — ghost diarrhea.
Josh: If the green icing is the diarrhea, then OMG what is the pretzel stick!!!!???
“Ghostly Cinnamon Toast”
Ingredients: Bread, cinnamon, and a TBSP of cleverness.
Click here to make your own.
Matthew: Glee has the “Grilled Cheesesus” — well, this lovely person made the Holy Ghost. The Holy Trinity is almost complete.
Josh: OK, all blasphemy aside, I kinda like this one. This clever chef was able to walk the line of good taste and still offer a spooky-themed treat. This is one of the rare cute ideas we found. Don’t get used to it. Now it’s time for the nasty.
“Panna Cotta ‘Brain Style’ with Pomegranate Sauce”
Ingredients: Whipping cream, gelatin, pomegranate, and a dash of vomit.
Click for a grosser look.
Josh: Personally, I am beyond grossed out by eating simulated organs. Apparently, brains are a big star of Halloween Cuisine. Whether they’re made of cream cheese, Jell-o, or in this case, raspberry panna cotta, they’re likely to show up on a spooky party buffet. Blech! Show off your smarts and boycott the brains this Halloween!
Matthew: I like the fact that people will eat these less-than-pleasant looking “treats,” but give them real calf brains and they go running! Where’s that macabre sense of adventure now?
“Icky Intestine Cake”
Ingredients: Puff pastry, guacamole, food coloring, 2 cups of what-the-hell-were-you-thinking!
Click here for more horror.
Josh: This is just offal. (heh heh heh). Seriously, folks — can you think of anything less appetizing than a Bowel Cake? Oh wait … I can. How about a bowel cake filled with … wait for it … GUACAMOLE! That’s what the one above is filled with. Puff pastry + guacamole +food coloring = poo-stuffed bloody bowel cake. Somebody get me a bucket.
Matthew: This is just bad. I mean where is the appendix? It has always been forgotten and it always will! We don’t need the organ now so why put it on your bloody-bowel cake, right? So much for looking real. Stupid appendix.
“Halloween Finger Food”
Ingredients: Hot dogs, onions, ketchup, and 3/4 tsp of bad taste.
The step-by-step tutorial here is equal parts horrifying and intriguing. Ah, the Brits.
Josh: Sadly, severed fingers are a mainstay of Halloween Food Massacres. Personally, I don’t see the charm in nibbling on anything that resembles a finger — especially if it includes blood and a fingernail. These hot dog fingers really induce my gag reflex.
Matthew: Why do I sense these came from Sandra Lee on Food Network? No, it can’t be. If she did it, the nails would be manicured and with a gaudy table-scape. I think the knuckle slits do it for me. Listen, if you want to pretend you are eating something finger related, try eating Bugles off your fingertips.
Josh: I’ve had that nightmare of eating Bugles off Sandra Lee’s fingertips! OH THE HORROR!
OK, seriously, if you aren’t brimming with nausea by now, I’m impressed (and a little concerned). But fair warning: It’s about to get a whole lot worse.
Ingredients: Marshmallows, caramel, and a heaping cup of WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS???
The blogger describes them as a “huge hit” here.
Josh: This is a perfect example that just because you CAN do something, it doesn’t mean that you SHOULD. She gets points for creativity, but the thought of eating a used Q-Tip?! I can’t get past it!
Matthew: Who thinks, “You know what? Let’s make editable Q-tips with nasty looking wax!” Seriously, whomever these came from has major wax buildup. But the Q-tip box was a nice touch.
“The name of this recipe is so GROSS I won’t put it here.”
Ingredients: Marshmallows, sour cherries, string, and a gallon of “OH NO SHE DIDN’T!”
You’re seriously disturbed if you click here. But it’s totally worth it to read the blogger’s notes.
Matthew: I am actually speechless as this point. I grew up with sisters and sometimes I had to run in to the drug store and buy the real thing … I think that scarred me.
Josh: OMG this image has obliterated my ability to reason! I have been paralyzed from the utter lack of taste. What is wrong with these people!!!
Ingredients: Bailey’s, Peach Snchapps, grenadine, and filth.
If you’re crazy enough to want the recipe, click here.
Josh: I think I would prefer an actual brain hemorrhage. Looks like somebody spit in my drink.
Matthew: This is the worst lava lamp ever! Kind of reminds me of the drink we made during Drunk Week. Our peach mojito looked like…What did you call it, Josh? Amniotic Mojito?
Josh: Ack! I forgot about her!
“Gross Diaper Dip with additional Baby Decor”
Ingredients: black bean hummus, plastic doll, and chocolate pudding. Awesome!
Click here for more horror.
Matthew: I think picture takes the award for best of the grossest body fluids. For those who have kids … you’re probably not grossed out. You’ve been there, done that. But for me? Barf!
Josh: Words you will never hear me say: “You know what I could really go for right now? I big hot scoop of Gross Diaper Dip.”
“Flayed Skin Cheeseball”
Ingredients: Cream cheese, deli meat, olives, and … wow. I’m speechless.
Click here for more horror.
Josh: OMG why is that thing looking at me???
Matthew: I can just hear the phone call now:
Wal-Mart: Wal-mart deli, can I help you?
Caller: Can you make a cold cut platter that looks like a burned victim?
Wal-Mart: Why, yes! One question, green eyes or brown?
Caller: Green please; it goes with my platter.
Ingredients: Ground beef, onions, ketchup, and a sick imagination.
Matthew: “Mom, I just LOVE your meatloaf … but, can you make it look like a burnt hand? You can just place it on a bed of mashed potatoes.” (long pause) Mom responds, “Son, are you on something?”
Josh: Poor meatloaf — the ugly stepsister of the culinary world. Not only does it have one of the most unsexy names on the planet, it’s also one of the least appealing foods, even when it’s not prepared in the shape of a severed zombie hand. Poor meatloaf … I’ll slow dance with you at the prom.
Ingredients: Lord, I don’t have any idea. Meat?
I don’t know why you would click here.
Matthew: For those avid fans of the movie Aliens, you will recognize the creature below as the chest-buster (the baby alien that basically bust through the victims chest…yummy!). I like the little mouth. HAHA!
Josh: It’s a vegetarian’s worst nightmare: Meat, wrapped in meat, impersonating a meat-eating alien. This is what happens at Nerd dinner parties.
“Kitty Litter Cake”
Ingredients: German chocolate cake, vanilla sandwich cookies, tootsie rolls, and NO SHAME.
Please don’t click this link…
Josh: Cardinal Culinary Commandment: Thou shalt not create food in the likeness of poo.
Matthew: Josh, Peter REALLY needs you to clean out his litter box. Are you sure this is not a picture he took for evidence to send to the ASPCA?
Josh: Seriously! That tootsie roll that is SLITHERING OUT OF THE BOX! *****The user has passed out and is no longer online.
Ingredients: Cauliflower, pretzels, cheese, and 6 hits of acid.
Josh: I don’t know if this is food or modern art. I guess it’s supposed to be a brain? A bloody brain stabbed with cheese-slathered pretzel rods? This person is on drugs.
Matthew: My Mom made that. Thanks, Josh.
Believe it or not, these are just a taste of the repulsive creations we found in our horrific tour of the internet. And we left the worst one out, because it was honestly too disturbing to include. My friend Courtney (Faux Mexican Lesbian, you remember her) begged me to listen to reason and leave it out. So we did. But if you are culinary masochist who is also way into nausea, then Google “meat baby.” Just don’t blame us for the nightmares that will ensue.
Happy Halloween, and remember — it’s OK to play with your food — just do it in good taste!